Albania A-Z

Albania is no ordinary place and there is no better way to demonstrate that than through a list...alphabetized list, that is...

Atheism: In 1945, when oppressive dictator Enver Hoxha took control of Albania he did away with all religion, making it illegal to even discuss the stuff. For whatever reason he didn't destroy the various mosques and churches that had been built before his time.

Burning Trash: Although I'd like to believe there are landfills around here, I'd never believe they had much trash in them. Every night and every morning (and during most days) the smell of burning trash can be enjoyed by Albanians and foreigners alike. On the bright side, I hear its better than Macedonia, where they light the dumpsters on fire while cats are still inside. (For health affects of burning trash, click here).

Coffee and Cigarettes: These are the ubiquitous staples of every Albanian's diet. Both are very inexpensive, which is good because people don't have a lot of expendable income around here. It's very common for people to invite you for a coffee (minimum 30 minutes) even though you just wanted to drop something off at their house/office. As for the cigarettes...everybody here smokes and they smoke everywhere--restaurants, movie theaters, government offices, bathrooms, etc.

Disregarding Traffic Lights: This is the first of many entries about how chaotic the streets are in Tirana. Everybody disregards the traffic lights, especially the most vulnerable people (i.e. scooters, bikes, and pedestrians). I've almost killed four people on scooters and I've hit two pedestrians (one of them walked in to me and the other one had it coming).

Extreme Driving: A few months back I was at a conference of low-level diplomats from the Balkans. Everyone was comparing bad driving stories and the guy from Bosnia wowed everyone by explaining that when Bosnians wait in traffic, they will jump the line they're waiting in, driving into oncoming traffic, only to squeeze back into the line at a further point. No one believed him except me. I added, "yeah, but do your city busses do it too?" Score one for Albania.

Filth: Whether from the lack of emissions on the various communist-era diesel cars and stolen Mercedes or from the public's inability to use the public trash cans (that don't exist anyway) or from the dust and dirt kicked up from an over-abundance of bad drivers on unpaved roads, Tirana is a dirty city. The air isn't as bad an over-crowded third-world country, but what it lacks in air pollution it makes up for in litter, which sits all over the streets and sidewalks and fields and rivers and my front lawn.

Gra (Albanian for women): Unemployment is high in Albania, which translates into countless people just standing around the streets. If you look closely at the people you'll notice something peculiar about them...they're all men. Where are the women? They're the ones walking past the men, getting things done. Albania functions by virtue of its women.

Horn: When I was 16 my driving instructor told me that a good motorist uses his horn at least once every time he gets in the car (I think he was from Pakistan). Although I've never taken an Albanian driving course (nor have 98% of the other people on the road), I'm pretty sure the driving instructors tell the locals to use the horn every time they blink.

Islam Lite: During the Ottoman Empire, Islam reigned supreme in Albania. After the Ottomans left, Albania decided that Islam suited them fine and--according to outdated census reports--70% of the citizens are Muslim. However, don't be confused by the lack of turbans, beards, and hajibs, or by the number of bars, cigarettes, and casinos--Albanians practice Islam like Americans practice Catholicism, and those who are more active Muslims are probably Bektashi, which allows for smoking, drinking, and uncovered women (within reason, you pervert).

Jerry-Rig: Albanians can fix anything. This is both good and bad. For example: some months ago, a certain person (unfortunately) backed over my guitar with our car, and (fortunately) only broke off one tuning peg. Guitars and music aren't particularly popular in Albania and said guitar was from the 1960's, making it hard to find a guitar shop full of long-haired know-it-alls to repair my precious instrument. I know I can find someone here to fix it, but it probably won't look like it's supposed to and may not sound right either. What was that saying about beggars and choosers?

Killing: Family ties are very strong in Albania, so strong that if you significantly offend someone a member of the offended's family will ultimately return the favor. This (all too often) escalates to threats and , known as feuds (ala the Hatfields and McCoys). It must be some kind of status symbol, because the only people who seem to be involved in feuds are big shot criminals and politicians.

Lack of Light: One of the first months we were here the new government announced that the old government had been wasteful with the country's electricity. As a result, the winter months were accompanied by 12-hour blackouts in the cities and 18-hour blackouts in the country. As a result of that, people spray painted "We want light" all over the city's more permenant structures.

Machismo: Although women make the country work, Albania is still a very macho society. Men don't clean or cook, or take care of children, nor are they not expected to. If a man is in a position where he might have to do any of these things, his mother or sister or aunt or (female) cousin or other (female) acquaintance will come to his rescue. As another example, one of the first weeks we were here, Jen attended the Young Women class at church and the lesson was about fidelity. During the discussion the teacher noted that married couples should always remain faithful, even when a husband beats his wife. (I really wish that I just now made up that story).

National Hero: One day during the Ottoman War when the Albanian army was particularly beleaguered, the Ottomans showed up to Albania with like 6 or 7 billion members of their army. When no one else was able to fight, Gjergj Kastroiti Skenderbeg picked up a broken tree branch and single-handedly sent the Ottoman's packing...or something like that.

One-way streets: Albania is the kind of place where you look both ways when crossing a one-way street.

Property rights: Imagine that your dry cleaner is a democrat who has been running a successful business for the past four years, while the democrats have been in power. After elections, the republicans take over. One day thereafter, you drive to your dry cleaners only to find a pile of rubble that four or five people are unceremoniously picking through in search of scrap metal. That's Albanian property rights for ya. (Rumor has it that the Sheraton Hotel in Tirana has bought their land three times from different people claiming to have historic ownership of said land.)

Q: Albanian is a phonetic language, meaning every letter represents a very specific sound, from which it never deviates. The Q makes a "ch" sound. Their language also includes a Ç, which makes a "ch" sound. This quirk in their language has caused me to have this conversation--"do you mean 'ch' or 'ch'?"--all too many times. Other interesting letters: xh, which sounds like j in John; gj, which sounds like j in John; sh, which sounds just like sh should; and ll and rr, which sound exactly like l and r, respectively, but they're considered letters as both doubles and singles.

Roads: Censuses show that Albania has 18,000 km of road, 10,980 km of which are unpaved. While speaking to a diplomat from Azerbaijan, he commented that the main difference between Baku and Tirana was that Baku had a better infrastructure and roads. He pointed out that the Azeri's driving habits were similar to Albanian's but the improved roads allowed them to drive like fast inconsiderate jerks.

Standing (and Staring): When you first arrive in Tirana and notice the countless groups of men standing around staring at you (see above G entry), you might get self conscious and think you really stand out because of your _________ (fill in the blank insecurity). After a few weeks you start to realize that the same people who have all the time in the world to stand around are the same people who have nothing better to do than stare at everything...it's not just you.

Three Lane Roads: These don't exist in Albania. That said, it's not uncommon to be stuck in traffic on a two-lane road and see it suddenly morph into three, four, and even five lanes of traffic, causing the oncoming lane of traffic to shrink to one--and sometimes zero--lanes. (See the aforementioned Extreme Driving entry for how this is possible).

Ultra-tight clothing: This entry refers to both the men and women of Albania. That said, I did see my first transvestite the other day and never before have I so strongly wished that someone was an ultra-conservative, practicing Muslim...transvestite.

Vandalism: I guess you can't really call it vandalism if the government destroys it for you.

Water (Don't Drink the...): Although Albania's water filtration was provided by the Italians and originally functioned properly, its maintenance contract undoubtedly expired years ago. To make it worse Albania has regular power outages rendering the water filtration useless for several hours a day, although it keeps flowing. I've also heard that the pipes that carry the water are located adjacent to sewer pipes, both of which have holes and leaks. That doesn't make much sense to me, but it sure sounds creepy.

Xenophobia: In 1966, Paranoid dictator Enver Hoxha decides its a good idea to build 750,000 bunkers around Albania in order to protect from foreign invaders. This is probably a good idea if you're a paranoid dictator, but what Hoxha possessed in xenophobia he lacked in micromanagement, causing many of the bunkers to be placed in random locations in central Albania, not exactly facing the theoretical enemy, and in some cases facing each other. Now that I think about it, hints of xenophobia still , explaining why every ethnic restaurant that opens up around here has a three-month life span.

Youth: For a European country, Albania has a very young population, and with their 2.03 fertility rate, it's one that maintains its numbers...which is more than can be said for its more established European neighbors. What's more, they really love kids and don't hesitate to pinch their cheeks (they really do pinch their cheeks) and ohh-ahh all over them.

Zoning: I was talking with a recent civil engineering graduate the other day and told him "it's too bad you'll never get a job in Albania...they don't seem to hire civil engineers around here." He explained to be that Albania's zoning laws are a compilation of all the best zoning laws from the world's most developed countries, however, no one follows them. That wasn't hard to believe.

Hopefully this entry has educated you about life in Albania. If not, I hope you were at least entertained.